Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Motherhood

Motherhood.....I am 49, married and blessed with a wonderful energetic and loving son who is 7. Confusion and frustration sets in for me when I want to give in to my body and mind's desire to slow down, take it easy and relax. I admit it, there are days when I say "what was I thinking?" Referring to the decision to become a mother and raise a child. I knew adopting our son in my 40's would be challenging but I recall thinking "good, I will be through perimenopause by the time he is in high school! That should be good, right?" AGH!!! I never thought for one minute that all these hormone fluctuations and ebbs a flows in the brain chemistry would be felt so frequently. My moods and personality can shift so swiftly, one minute all is "Om Mani Padme Hum" and the next it is the crazy, bendy, twisty, high speed roller coaster of mood swings, a carnival ride no one wants to be on for long, I can assure you! This is supposed to be the time when most people my age are becoming empty nesters and feeling great sadness tinged with anticipation about this new transition in their lives. Me? I am trying so hard to feel good enough each day to be "there" for my son in every way imaginable. Why? Because having a child is a gift and raising that child to be able to cope and handle the stresses and strains of life is so important. Sitting around and constantly saying "Mommy's tired and needs to rest" was not something I liked or wanted to do, and yet my energy level has declined so much over the last 3 or 4 years. My ability to handle stress and to remain calm in the face of unexpected shifts in my day have been diminished. And lastly, Mommy no longer felt like smiling as much when the insomnia that got bad this past winter got even worse in the early summer. YIKES...I knew I needed to seek out more answers as I was not satisfied to follow in my Mother and Grandmothers footsteps of dark rimmed circles under eyes and mysterious whisperings of "she is going through the change." As though that answered it all....not for me....I am always striving to be the absolute best version of me that I can be. So when I had lost 24 pounds since last summer and heard the same well-intentioned line from well wishers about " you must feel great!" While my lips said "yes" my mind said " you've got to be kidding me, some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and move from the pain in my joints and the lack of consistent, restful sleep. I knew I needed to improve upon the direction of this "change" in order to be there for my son, who is the love of my life.....so my journey began yet again this past June 2011to find answers.

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